There is a knot in my heart as I say this. There is a deep knot because I can see all the way that God is good and I am not. There is a small space in my heart where I stopped following it, I scrunched up like a ball and sat ‘ I WILL SIT HERE.’ I WILL NOT MOVE GOD. You will not move me. I was devastated, broken. I had just been through some of the most rewarding yet painful years of my life and I said, ‘if that’s what success and good things look like, then I will not move. I will not budge.’ I do not think that anything is worth losing more family, more heartbreak or anything else. You could sense it on my face and in my life; there was a level of fear that I have never believed in but took on as I was in a tug a-war with myself as I forgot who I am and what I believe; forgetting why I had worked all these years. But there is a funny thing about God; he can bring you to your knees and make you realize things time and time and time again. 2017 brought me to my knees and reminded me; you can’t chase the past trying to make things last, you have to start over and find new stomping grounds.
Even if it means losing more; it is better to suffer in the times than to sit with the fear of suffering, because when you get going and doing good things, you’ll find you’ll get further at least trying at the thing you want than to wonder what if something bad happens. By you taking one step, even if it is 10 minutes, you’ll rid yourself of fears, instead of wasting years. For me I can still see myself scrunched up and God shouting, ‘I need you to get up,’ and me saying, ‘I am tired. I am so drained, I have nothing God, you take this.’ Just then, my life collapsed, it seemed like everything around me fell, just crumbled, I saw people pass away and I saw friends go through hard times, I saw people crumble in front of me and I questioned my entire life, I was devastated and said, ‘I am to blame.’ Although not entirely true, some of it is, when we do not listen to who we are, we throw our universe off. When we do not go down below and listen to that voice, that voice begins to scream and shout and throw things and tell you all kinds of things that make your universe collapse. When we fight with ourselves, we find wars among others and see things unheard of. When we are not okay on the inside, this whole world goes wack and I had to see that. It was painful, it was frustrating and it made me question so many things but it made me see, ‘when God calls, you must go.’ Even if it is scary, even if it feels like it’s the end and there is no way in sight, you must believe that he will make a way, he will light up your path.
If you’re scared, if you feel like you have nothing left, I hope you find the courage to listen to that voice, the one that says, ‘just go.’ I hope you find the strength to find love in that voice. The past has no power over you, you have power over everything you are going through. I hope you forgive yourself and I hope you find the kindness in your heart to move forward, no matter how much you think it’s not going to be okay, I hope you hug your heart a little tighter and find your way to a better day ❤